Finding Happiness
I recently went one on one with Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo. A celebrity psychologist, Elizabeth is regularly seen on popular television shows and is the author of Better Than Perfect: 7 Strategies to Crush Your Inner Critic and Create a Life You Love.
Adam: Thanks again for taking the time to share your advice. First things first, though, I am sure readers would love to learn more about you. How did you get here? What experiences, failures, setbacks or challenges have been most instrumental to your growth and success?
Elizabeth: I actually started off my career as a physical therapist. And I loved being a PT – helping people get out of pain or recover after an injury or surgery. One particular gentleman changed my life forever. His name was David, and he had a surgical amputation because of complications from diabetes. One day he came down to the physical therapy gym, where I was going to teach him how to walk again. Except, he wanted nothing to do with me and shouted to let him go back to his room. Later all of the doctors and nurses and therapist did rounds and talked about David. We all agreed he was struggling with feeling depressed. And it was the next comment that changed my life forever. The attending physician, the surgeon who had cut off part of David’s leg, said “I’ll give him Prozac.” Now, there is certainly a time and place for antidepressant medication. At the same time, it’s seemed to me that David also needed some emotional support to help him process the loss of a limb. And it was right then and there that I realized my true calling – to help people like David. Luckily, we don’t all deal with amputations. But we all do deal with the loss – loss of a loved one, a job, the life that we thought we had. And of course a lot of people are dealing with loss right now in this pandemic- loss of freedom, finances, the life we once lived…
So I decided to go back to school and get my degree in psychology. After that, I opened a private practice in my hometown of Dallas, where I was living. Now, this was way before the Internet and telemedicine. When my husband and I moved for his job, I had to close my private practice. And that was tough on my clients. A lot of clients would see me for fear of abandonment issues, and here I was feeling like I was abandoning them. So I decided to stop working with clients individually (although I restarted later) and write a book. It was my desire to help people “before they need the proverbial shrink couch” to learn skills of how to have less stress and more happiness in their life. The book was called “A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness.” While I was writing the book, I learned an interesting statistic. The average book sells less than 250 copies its first year. And given I was going to ask my mother and my husband to buy several dozen, I realized what I needed to do was create a platform.
And so I started doing a lot of training in media and in speaking. Now, you have to understand, I went to a small high school with 47 kids in my senior class. I would never stand in front of that class or even in front of a group of more than five people without being scared to death. So I had to do a lot of internal work addressing my inner critic in addition to honing external skills of how to be strong in front of the camera and on stage.
Since then, I have been a regular contributor on shows such as Today Show and Good Morning America. And before the pandemic, I spoke on stages around the globe and have been continuing the trainings I offer virtually.
It has been quite a journey.
Adam: You told me that during your first week of school in your psychology program, you felt that everyone should understand how the mind works - not just psychologists. How does the mind work? What did you learn in school and in your years practicing that you believe everyone should understand?
Elizabeth: Scientists estimate that we have 65,000 thoughts every single day. And 35,000 of them are negative. Most thoughts we have in our head we are not aware of, although we are aware of the consequences. If you listen to the news and find yourself feeling stressed out or overwhelmed, it is because your mind is not just reading the news but interpreting how that could impact you. For most people, the mind controls them. But with training, we can take control of our minds. And the result is less stress and greater happiness in our personal and professional lives.
Take the concept of cognitive distortions, for example. These are faulty ways we tend to view the world, especially when we are stressed out. Negative filtering (only seeing the negatives), fortunetelling (predicting the future negatively and acting as if it is imminent) and “shoulding” (having certain unconscious rules about how you and others should act) are all examples. Our mind tells us things that we take as being facts, and yet the majority of what goes on in our minds is not remotely based on facts- they are interpretations, perceptions, beliefs about reality. When you can learn to identify what you are saying to yourself and actually change it (not just superficially, but by rewiring your brain), then you can control your mind- and your life.
After working with clients for two decades, I have created a system I called Neuro Regenerative Training (NRT). You see, each thought we have is just nerves firing in a certain pattern. The more nerves fire together, the more wired they become together. That translates to moving from a transient thought to a deep-seated belief. NRT allows us to literally rewire our brains. It is so much more than just superficial affirmations. Instead it is changing our subconscious mind in terms of how we think and interact the world.
Adam: A lot of your work centers around your message of crushing your inner critic. How can we crush our inner critic?
Elizabeth: The first thing to realize is that everyone has an inner critic – a little voice inside of us that sometimes says things like, “you’re not good enough,” “you can’t do that,” “you’re such a loser, “there’s no way you can be successful” or “I can’t believe you said that!” Once we become more aware that this voice inside of us is not actually real, that gives us some control.
As I talked about in my second TedX talk, I named my inner critic. Her name is Mitzy. Whenever I hear Mitzy talking in my head, saying something like “I can’t believe you just did that - you totally messed up!” I simply acknowledge that it’s my inner critic. It is not the truth, it is her opinion. That distancing allows me to gain more control.
The next step is to find the positive in what your inner critic is saying. For example, if I’m about to go on stage in front of a couple thousand people and my inner critic start shouting “don’t mess up, don’t forget we are supposed to say,” I focus not on the unkind words but rather on the motivation behind those words. In this case, what my inner critic is really wanting me to do is to be successful. When I look at the positive intention of my inner critic – wanting to give a good presentation – I can take that information and move forward.
It’s reminds me of a demanding parent who asks their child why they got a 95 and not 100 on the exam. The message is not very kind, but the underlying motivation is wanting their child to be successful.
Adam: How did you develop a celebrity clientele?
Elizabeth: Over the course of the past decade I have done over 100 national media interviews. Between that and my book Better Than Perfect: 7 Strategies To Crush Your Inner Critic and Create A Life You Love, various people have reached out to me to work with them.
What is important to remember is that celebrities are simply people. That is, they have their own inner critic, their own insecurities, their own issues. Unlike the rest of us, though, they have people constantly watching and judging them. What’s more, society in general does not have a lot of empathy when celebrities are not “perfect.” Celebrities are shoulded by many, as in “They have millions of dollars; they should happy. What is wrong with them?” Wealth does not preclude you from having problems. In fact, for some, it invites an entire new group of issues.
Couple that with the research that depression, anxiety and eating disorders are higher in children of families of wealth, and there is a prime opportunity to help these individuals and families.
Adam: How did you cultivate a relationship with Shaq? And how does Shaq the person compare to Shaq the persona?
Elizabeth: Now Adam, I cannot give information about my specific clients. One of the reasons why celebrities trust me so much is because I am very tightlipped about who I work with.
Adam: In your experience, what are the defining qualities of an effective leader? How can leaders and aspiring leaders take their leadership skills to the next level?
Elizabeth: I define a good leader as someone who brings out the best in others to work towards a common goal. Emotional intelligence is really central to great leadership. Especially with what is going on now - leaders moving forward need to have empathy, vulnerability and courage to inspire individuals to help their teamwork past the fear to be fully engaged and productive despite the stress that’s going on in our society.
Adam: What are your three best tips applicable to entrepreneurs, executives and civic leaders?
Elizabeth:
Effectively manage your stress: Think of our stress levels as being on a continuum of 1-10, 1 being no stress at all, and 10 being the most stressed you have ever been. When you are at a 7/10 or higher, I call that the Red Zone. When we are in the red zone, our limbic system (emotional reason) hijacks our rational thinking, so we view the world in a more distorted way. I always tell my clients, when you’re in the red zone don’t let anything out of your mouth because that is when we are much more likely to say things we don’t mean. And don’t put anything in your mouth because that is when we are more likely to consume things that are not good for us, like over-eating or substance abuse. A great leader needs to be able to think and act rationally; that cannot easily happen in the Red Zone. How do you do this? Do something healthy and helpful to reduce your stress: take a walk, listen to music, watch a funny video, take some deep breaths.
Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want. When I coach entrepreneurs, a lot of times they’ll tell me what they don’t want: they don’t want to deal with disgruntled employees, they don’t want to have to make changes due to the pandemic… That puts you in a state of focusing on what you don’t want. Instead challenge yourself and others to focus on what they do want, and what they can do. Especially in this time when there’s so many restrictions, asking yourself and your team, “what can we do to make things even better” will open up creativity and productivity.
Be better than perfect. Often times people wait until a project, a book, a website is 100% ready to get it out to the public. Really, by the time it’s 100% ready the project is essentially obsolete. Get comfortable with putting something out that 70 or 80% ready and then get the feedback on how to make it even better.
Adam: What is your best advice on building, leading and managing teams?
Elizabeth: Identify and highlight the strengths that each person brings. Every person has incredible gifts that, when used in an optimal manner, can help your team and organization grow.
As Albert Einstein wrote, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
I have gone into countless organizations where there was low engagement and productivity, as well as a lot of stress. When I conduct assessments to help individuals see their and their team’s strengths, there is a sense of “Ah, that makes sense.” Then we can make even just a few changes to help shift what was once seen as an obstacle to become a strength that benefits the entire team.
When people can really focus on applying their strengths, they are more engaged and much more productive.
Adam: What is the single best piece of advice you have ever received?
Elizabeth: Dream big and never give up. After I wrote my first book (A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness), I decided I wanted to be on The Today Show. I had no contacts at the show and couldn’t afford a PR agent. So, for over two years, I pitched various producers on a wide variety topics related to happiness (how to be happy during the holidays with toxic family members, how to be happy when you are alone on Valentine’s Day…). I didn’t give up, even though I rarely even received a response (they get hundreds of pitches each day!).
And finally I received an email back asking me for my media reel. Well, I needed to Google “Media Reel” because not only did I not have one, but I had no idea what is was. That didn’t stop me. I eventually put one together and sent it off. I knew this was my break. Except, after that, the conversation went silent. Six months later, though, I received an email from a Today Show producer asking me to be on a segment about “Happiness Hangovers.” Within the next year, I was back on at least six different times.
Adam: Is there anything else you would like to share?
Elizabeth: Yes, I want to suggest a way to help people manage during this challenging time and that is to bring gratitude into your life as well as those who are currently in your circle. Perhaps each morning at breakfast you all can share something you are grateful for right now. Have everyone take a minute to think about each item, person or thing that was mentioned. And then challenge them to find something new to be grateful for every day. It does not have to be big, it can be something as simple as the sun felt warm on my shoulders or dad and I shared a laugh, It is so easy to get caught up in all of the negative, scary thoughts, and gratitude helps us get grounded and become more aware.