Silence is Magic: Interview with Authors Jennifer Edwards and Katie McCleary
I recently spoke to Jennifer Edwards and Katie McCleary, authors of the new book Bridge the Gap: Breakthrough Communication Tools to Transform Work Relationships From Challenging to Collaborative.
Adam: Thanks again for taking the time to share your advice. First things first, though, I am sure readers would love to learn more about you. How did you get here? What experiences, failures, setbacks or challenges have been most instrumental to your growth?
Jennifer: I grew up in a small town with family members everywhere. We camped, fished, played games and were constantly active in our church and community. I grew up pretty scrappy in a working-class family. My dad was a computer science professor and my mom a volunteer extraordinaire – our family was so connected and there was always adventure and learning in our circle of five. And – I was always the entrepreneur – in my blood somehow! I was always competing or starting a business – piano school, tennis coach, or cooking for families. I have always had a deep thirst to learn. I became completely consumed with understanding how the mind, body and spirit handle pressure and performance. Today, all my work has evolved into opening a learning and development company, How To Bridge the Gap that my work-wife Katie McCleary and I co-founded. I am someone who does fall – and hopefully falls forward. An assumptive mistake I made early in my career that really defined me was “small” but “mighty.” I was new in consulting, and I had a client I loved working with – but I was becoming way too informal way too fast. A few weeks into working with a new client, I gave them a “nickname” and started using it playfully and often. The nickname caught like wildfire and over the next month, the new name stuck. The problem was that I never asked permission from my client. I acted too cavalier and made the shy client feel little and manipulated. I assigned a label to someone without any caring thought. It was a pivotal point for me, and, after a breakdown with the client, I learned how the lack of partnering, asking, being curious and seeking permission is a critical part of building trust and respect.
Katie: I grew up as a lonely child in rural and wild places. My younger sister was blind, developmentally disabled, and living with many health issues. My parents were of the working poor— living on minimum-wage paychecks—trying to fulfill their version of the American Dream. As a shy but feisty kid, I was like a little detective; using my writing skills to observe, witness, and describe why some people behaved a certain way or had certain things, while others did not. Eventually this obsession led to a:
Love for entrepreneurship, business, leadership, and community
Appetite for engaging in and teaching personal and professional development
Skill set of knowing how to communicate through writing, storytelling, and public speaking
Desire to execute upon this essential idea: “all people are capable, can fulfill their purpose, and rise through anything with the right support.”
My career path has been driven by the essence of purpose, and two key questions (1) Who are we as people? And (2) Why are we here? In my business, I use the power of story, psychology, sociology, philosophy, and human development to help entrepreneurs, creatives, leaders, youth, educators, and nonprofits launch their biggest and boldest dreams.
Most instrumental to my growth has been stepping into leadership. I founded an arts-based literacy nonprofit that took off like a glorious wildfire and so I had to learn how to manage growth, scale, and create a thriving team in a short amount of time. It was a bit like having a “tiger by the tail,” and one thing I know to be true is that any leader, founder, entrepreneur must operate with intention, presence, and vision in order to execute upon their most impactful ideas—and most importantly—nobody does it alone! We only succeed by collaborating with a wide diversity of people. I’m passionate about how we create professional relationships to create big impact in the world!
Adam: What do you hope readers take away from your new book?
Jennifer: We all have choice. Every minute and every day we can choose to really be present and show up intentionally. Our book shares the scientific, practical and tactical ways to show up optimally and open doors in connection and collaboration that you never knew you could.
Katie: Absolutely – and when things are uncertain, you are with a person you struggle to like, understand and possibly respect, there is one tool you can leverage: Curiosity. It is the key to understanding people and forging new connections. #howyoushowupmatters
Adam: What are your best tips on the topic of communications?
Jennifer:
Be brief and brilliant… then be gone. Less is more. Overtalking can easily be a destroyer of connection. Extra words create added confusion. Finish a point, but don’t hammer it into pulp. Simple words and sentence construction works best. When you are talking, try to come full circle, and put a simple bow on your thoughts.
A smile goes a long way toward building connection and bridging gaps. Keep your jaw loose and your shoulders relaxed.
Don’t interrupt. Period. It is too easy to jump in and sling words that aren’t necessary into the conversation. Hold tight. Wait. Enter the door into the conversation when appropriate.
Words hold power—they shape the files in your limbic system. Words build worlds. So think about the “backstory” of meaning that comes with a word before you choose to utter it aloud. Use words that are responsible for the context, culture, and generation that you’re working with.
Katie:
Never make a point without telling a short story example. And never tell that story without being clear on its point. Too often, people start telling stories and never end up where they meant to go. Have a clear anchor in your story that can land well.
Thinking and processing out loud often discredits you in early relationships (in which you aren’t yet close ). If you’re looking to gain professional credibility, be sure to do your processing and thinking “offline” before the conversation to bring your best, most confident, and curious nuggets to the discussion.
Silence is a secret weapon. There is no reason you need to do all the talking and explaining. Hit pause on your lips. Let another person do the work. Silent equals listen.
Adam: In your experience, what are the keys to building successful relationships?
Jennifer: Relationship building starts with intention. We believe that anyone can choose to be a leader in their relationships. They can start by being intentional about how they enter, steward, and grow relationships by asking some of these questions:
How am I showing up with this person?
What kind of person are they and how might I connect to them better by asking curious-driven questions to know them better?
How can I contribute to this person and show up as an ally?
What outcome do I hope for as I grow this relationship?
Operating with intention and gaining clarity around how we interact and be with people can go a long way toward fostering trust and respect with others.
Katie: Exactly; and when we choose to be leaders in our relationships, we operate with a different level of professionalism and care… which always pays off! Second to intention is presence. When you’re with that person—be present. Understand how you give off energy, show up and choose to connect with them by being your best self. Put away distractions, worries, frustrations, and any other baggage that might infect your presence. Aim to be calm, open, collected, and friendly. Listen closely to what they have to say. Don’t rush. Don’t feel the need to fill silence. Don’t make the conversation all about you, your needs, or agenda. Focus your presence on them.
Adam: What do you believe are the defining qualities of an effective leader?
Jennifer: The most effective leaders I have watched inspire and motivate their teams have a strong energetic presence and give an experience of “being with” their team. They lead from the back, not hesitating to dig in and have a “whatever it takes” energy. This is especially true in turbulent and uncertain times. When the future is uncertain, we look to our leaders to be transparent and honest with us about the state of the future, but we also look for them to elevate beyond the current pressure or worry they may be under and to hold the vision and mission past the pain point. We look for them to lead clearly and that in and of itself calms and motivates the team to keep their heads down, eyes forward, and heart motivated to do meaningful work.
Katie: Effective leaders understand how to manage energy—their own and others’. Ever walk into a room and you can feel the energy? Sometimes the energy is either high or low but, most importantly, energy is infectious. Great leaders understand both how to work with what is happening in real-time while maneuvering the energy to be in line with what’s needed. Often, it’s changing the energy to be more productive, forward-thinking, and positive. These leaders don’t get stuck in the mire of the problematic energy—nor do they come with “fix it” energy. It’s quite nuanced, but super leaders absolutely know how to be authentically in that moment while shifting others to a better place.
Adam: How can leaders and aspiring leaders take their leadership skills to the next level?
Jennifer:
Here are a few nuggets to help leaders’ skill up and elevate their influence:
As a leader, be in the healthiest spot you can be personally. When pressure and stress hit, it is YOUR job to lead and that means being in the best mental, physical and spiritual health you can be in. As you go, so goes your team. It’s crucial to focus on eating well, sleep, water intake, fresh air and exercise, gratitude and/or a spiritual practice. Lead by leading yourself to optimize your brain and mind’s ability to perform exceptionally well under this stress. Be sure to have a support system outside your business where you can process your worry or concern without censoring it. Your health will be a determinant to how the organization manages through seasons of great ease and uncertainty.
Be the best listener you can be. And what does listening really mean? It means to put aside your biases, agendas, perspectives, and judgments to fully be present and curious. In our book Bridge the Gap: Breakthrough Communication Tools to Transform Work Relationships from Challenging to Collaborative (McGraw Hill, Feb. 17, 2022), we explore the power of listening and the hurdles we all face …especially when pressure hits. Be attentive, get curious and be present with your team. Remember listen and silent have the same letters – let’s close our mouths and open our ears.
Katie:
Be open to change. This current pandemic has created a lot of uncertainty and how you show up will reveal your maturity as a leader. Focus on your ability to pivot, be curious, seek to see things differently that you ever have before. What don’t you know that you don’t know? Lean into curiosity and find new solutions from a new way of thinking. One of the largest studies conducted on more than 44,000 individuals about healthy relationships shows that there is one single factor to successful collaborations.! The number one factor to success was that someone in the relationship had a strong sense of psychological flexibility. Leaders need psychologically flexibility to truly make the best decisions for their companies, teams, and overall community.
Remember – everyone is living their own unique experience and your job is to support moving the team from fear into new possibility. If you’re the leader, you’re the channel! Your job is to have a strong pulse on what each individual and team is experiencing and feeling. Have empathy because it’s likely that they may feel scared, uncertain, defensive, exhausted, and more. Your role will be to help them bridge the gap between those feelings into new possibilities. Great leaders simply understand how to help others navigate constant change. You can lead well by exercising a strong curiosity muscle—inquire about their needs and how you can be their partner.
Adam: What are your three best tips applicable to entrepreneurs, executives, and civic leaders?
Jennifer:
Curiosity is King. As a leader, how you show up matters. Show up with a willingness to learn something new and most importantly to lead not only from the front of the room but also from the back.
Keep learning. Be a voracious learner. Be in wonder about what else there is to learn or see differently and go after it!
Clarity Kills Drama. Be clear. Don’t feed the drama and the noise or turbulence. Noise creates confusion and more insecurity. Your job during turbulent times is to be present and clear.
Katie:
Find a mentor and surround yourself with people who can support you through the journey. Leadership is lonely and can easily become confusing, especially if our own insecurities and ego come into play. You need a safe “board of directors” to help you think, process, and speak wisdom to you while also cheering you forward.
Create balance in your mind, body, and soul. As the leader, your personal commitment to health and wellness will impact your success and trajectory.
Play. Laugh. Enjoy the journey – even the bumpy parts. Remember why you do what you do. This is your career. Make it a delight! I love this quote by Kahil Gibran: “Work is love made visible.” Remember to love your work and the people who join in your pursuit.
Adam: What is the single best piece of advice you have ever received?
Jennifer: Silence is magic. Don’t rush to fill the space.
Katie: Before making up a story in your mind about what is happening, first be curious and seek answers to your questions before making assumptions or judgments.
Adam Mendler is the CEO of The Veloz Group, where he co-founded and oversees ventures across a wide variety of industries. Adam is also the creator and host of the business and leadership podcast Thirty Minute Mentors, where he goes one on one with America's most successful people - Fortune 500 CEOs, founders of household name companies, Hall of Fame and Olympic gold medal winning athletes, political and military leaders - for intimate half-hour conversations each week. Adam has written extensively on leadership, management, entrepreneurship, marketing and sales, having authored over 70 articles published in major media outlets including Forbes, Inc. and HuffPost, and has conducted more than 500 one on one interviews with America’s top leaders through his collective media projects. A top leadership speaker, Adam draws upon his insights building and leading businesses and interviewing hundreds of America's top leaders as a top keynote speaker to businesses, universities and non-profit organizations.
Follow Adam on Instagram and Twitter at @adammendler and listen and subscribe to Thirty Minute Mentors on your favorite podcasting app.