I recently went one on one with Scarlett Lewis. Scarlett founded the nonprofit Jesse Lewis Choose Love Movement after her son was murdered during the Sandy Hook Elementary School tragedy in December 2012. After her son’s death, Scarlett became an advocate for social and emotional learning (SEL) and character development that teaches children how to manage their emotions, feel connected, and have healthy relationships. Choose Love is used in over 10,000 schools in the United States, and has been accessed in all 50 states and 110 countries, reaching more than 2 million children.

Adam: Thanks again for taking the time to share your advice. First things first, though, I am sure readers would love to learn more about you. ​How did you decide to turn the tragedy of Sandy Hook into a vehicle to positively impact children around the world?

Scarlett: When my six-year-old son, Jesse, was murdered in his first grade classroom alongside nineteen of his classmates and six educators in one of the worst mass murders in US history, I knew I had to dedicate my life to being part of the solution. Schools must be a safe place for our children and educators; every school shooting is one-hundred percent preventable. Hurt people hurt people and there is always something we can do to help ease another’s pain. There are essential life skills that we can teach our youth that will enable them to have positive and healthy connections, manage their emotions, and grow through difficulty in their lives. Through decades of research we know social and emotional intelligence can reduce and prevent violence and much of the suffering our children face that translates into homes and communities.

When I came home following the massacre, I found a message that Jesse had written on our kitchen chalkboard shortly before he died: ‘Norturing Helinn Love’ (Nurturing Healing Love). The words were phonetically spelled because he was in first grade and just learning to write but they are in the definition of compassion across all cultures. I knew that if the shooter, a former student whose mother had taught at the school, had been able to give and receive ‘nurturing, healing love’ that the tragedy would never have happened. I started out with a mission to positively impact schools’ cultures as the most important part of school safety. 

I realized the programming out there was too expensive and lacked the essential life skills all children need to flourish. I worked with professionals to create a program that encompasses the best of the best and raised money to make sure that every child would have access.

Adam: What have been your greatest takeaways since processing what took place at Sandy Hook?

Scarlett: One of my greatest realizations following the tragedy at Sandy Hook is that our negative bias influences most of what we do and even the direction we take in trying to solve issues. We have tried to solve bullying, suicide, and substance abuse, just to name a few, and poured billions of dollars and decades into programming only to have those rates continue their upward trend. By focusing on the problem we have unwittingly enabled its growth. We must focus on the cause of those issues in order to solve them. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity. It takes courage to admit when something isn’t working and to go in a different direction.

Adam: What are your best tips on how to most effectively manage stress, anxiety and grief?

Scarlett: To best manage stress, anxiety and grief we must understand that difficulty, roadblocks, and even pain, are opportunities for growth. We spend too much time and effort in fear-based mode resisting and avoiding pain. We must become curious about how we can learn and be strengthened by issues as they arise and this goes for painful experiences as well. Losing Jesse gave me a purpose, starting a foundation gave meaning to my suffering, and through my efforts many more have been transformed and even saved. This is called Post Traumatic Growth and it is what the majority of us experience following painful challenges. Most have never heard of this as we’re too busy focusing on how things can hurt us and the adverse impact which only amplifies the negative aspect. When we are aware of the growth potential in every difficult circumstance we can face it and move through it more effectively with less struggle and even be strengthened by it.

Adam: What are your best lessons learned from starting and building a non-profit organization?

Scarlett: I had to quit my ‘day job’ before starting the Jesse Lewis Choose Love Movement and ironically it was the first time I had made a career choice that was based in love and not fear. After I made this decision, I was able to look back and realize that almost every other job I had taken in my life had been from a place of lack and weakness. When you work from a place of service and compassion, the healing you give you also receive and you become stronger for it.

Fortunately, there were many people in my inner circle following the tragedy who had non-profit experience. This gave me the confidence I needed to start a 501(c)3 and begin to grow the organization. These are not the same people who are currently involved. Around the five year mark I realized that many who had started with me were not the right ones to continue with me on this journey. I had to make difficult decisions that resulted in high turnover but this was the right decision for the time and ultimately for the individuals who moved on as well. Change is uncomfortable and sometimes painful but necessary to continue advancing in the right direction. 

Adam: What do you believe are the defining qualities of an effective leader?

Scarlett: An effective leader must be courageous and vulnerable. A brave leader is willing to listen to new ideas and make decisions without forming extensive committees and working with elongated timeframes. If something is in the best interest of their organization and the constituents they serve, that leader will move forward, even if he/she knows there will be pushback. The opposite takes the easy route, continues down the same path even if it’s not producing results, and shies away from conflict. I have been in a great many meetings with leaders who attempt to one-up or boast about accomplishments as a way to defend their position and deflect from accountability. Then there have been leaders who have made well-thought-out decisions, based in research as well as experience, and who have stood up to those who wanted to maintain the status quo and have experienced great success.

Adam: How can leaders and aspiring leaders take their leadership skills to the next level?

Scarlett: In order to take your leadership skills to the next level, one must be present and intentionally move beyond fear-based thinking. We use a powerful formula that enables us to choose how we thoughtfully respond in every situation. We can’t always choose what happens to us, but we can always choose how we thoughtfully respond. It starts with courage. Science tells us that courage is like a muscle and we can strengthen it with practice. It takes courage to put your best foot forward when you’re not feeling confident, to do the right thing, to tell the truth, and to face your fear and discomfort. My son stood up to the shooter that came into his room and his brave actions saved nine of his classmates' lives. We all have the capacity for Jesse’s courage. The next character value is gratitude. We have thousands of thoughts that go through our heads each day, the majority of which are negative and repetitive. This negative bias leads us to being reactive and fearful. Practicing gratitude helps us to shift the focus of our lens toward positivity, optimism, and hope. This provides a much clearer picture of what is happening and what needs to be done. Forgiveness is the next character value and one that is very much misunderstood yet it is an essential part of healthy relationships that are the key to happiness. We mistakenly think that forgiveness means that we are condoning, excusing, or overlooking a grievance or that it is a gift that we are giving someone who is undeserving. In fact, it is a gift that we give ourselves. Decades of research point to the benefits of forgiveness for the one who forgives, including better health physically, mentally, and emotionally as well as reduced anger and emotional strife. Compassion is the last character value but not the least. Compassion has two components. The first is when you identify the need of another and the second is when you actively do something to help that need or ease pain. Research shows that all the ‘nurturing healing love’ you give, you get back. When you practice Courage + Gratitude + Forgiveness + Compassion-in-action, you have chosen love and have not only been an effective leader but through the ripple effect you make the world a better place.

Adam: What are your three best tips applicable to entrepreneurs, executives and civic leaders?

Scarlett:

1. We must realize that we’re all connected and in this together. If your organization doesn’t add value to the world, rethink the focus because this means you’re not adding value to yourself. 

2. We live in an ethos of ‘survival of the fittest’ yet Charles Darwin, to whom this quote is attributed, never said this. His research on evolution concluded that it would be the most generous, altruistic, and compassionate that would live to pass down their genes, i.e. survive and thrive. Remember this as you interact with others and make business decisions.

3. It takes courage to be kind and gentle. If you lead with ego, it’s obvious. Ultimately those around will be as genuine and loyal as you are. 

Adam: What is the single best piece of advice you have ever received?

Scarlett: “Have a Lot of fun.” This is a message that my six-year-old son left for his older brother. It was a beautiful final message from a little brother to his big brother but I realized it was for all of us as well. We allow ourselves to be distracted and let what should be small disturbances erupt into full-blown struggle. The perspective of having had a son murdered has given me the ability to take things as they come and not be burdened. When difficulties arise in our lives, when we feel stressed or overwhelmed, the first thing to go is fun when this is what we should lean into. There is much research behind the benefits of fun including reducing stress, boosting energy, improving memory and convention, cultivating creativity, improving relationships, sounder sleep, and increased optimism and positivity just to name a few! Make sure every day has an aspect of fun; make it a priority and let the problems wait.

Adam: How can anyone pay it forward?

Scarlett: We all have to take responsibility for what’s going on in our world in order to be part of the solution. For too long we have left this to politicians and our leaders but if they could have fixed things they would have. It’s going to take every one of us committing to being part of the solution to fix things and create the world we want to live in. The benefit is that when you help others, you help yourself. Find an organization that speaks to your heart, fuels your passion, and has personal meaning. Volunteer, donate, and spread the word! If you believe in the mission wholeheartedly then you will most likely continue. Commit yourself, your time, your energy, and resources. You will model this for your children, your friends. and community and they will experience a lifetime of healing and benefit from practicing compassion-in-action themselves and by doing something that makes the world a better place. 

Is there anything else you would like to share? 

Scarlett: Hope is essential in everyone’s life. We can cultivate hope by modeling choosing love. When we make this a part of our authentic selves, we model this for others and rise to the occasion. In this we can be the best version of ourselves. We can do this by being courageous in our actions, by being grateful for what we have, by forgiving ourselves and those who have hurt us, and by stepping outside of ourselves to help others. This is the way to choose love over fear and live life to the fullest.


Adam Mendler is the CEO of The Veloz Group, where he co-founded and oversees ventures across a wide variety of industries. Adam is also the creator and host of the business and leadership podcast Thirty Minute Mentors, where he goes one on one with America's most successful people - Fortune 500 CEOs, founders of household name companies, Hall of Fame and Olympic gold medal winning athletes, political and military leaders - for intimate half-hour conversations each week. Adam has written extensively on leadership, management, entrepreneurship, marketing and sales, having authored over 70 articles published in major media outlets including Forbes, Inc. and HuffPost, and has conducted more than 500 one on one interviews with America’s top leaders through his collective media projects. A top leadership speaker, Adam draws upon his insights building and leading businesses and interviewing hundreds of America's top leaders as a top keynote speaker to businesses, universities and non-profit organizations.

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